So we've had a hell of a couple of weeks. First my husband lost his job. That was a huge blow, especially with this economy and three kids. All I did was cry for about a week. The day after he found out he was getting laid off, I found out that biopsies I had done on two moles on my back turned out a little scary. They said they showed pre-cancerous cells, so now I need to go in for two different surgeries to have skin removed around where the moles are-there goes my stress level. And a couple of days ago we finally took Dare Devil for his appointment with the neurologist to be tested for ADHD. The result? ADHD and a behavior disorder. He's evidently severe enough that they want to put him on medication now. Bill and I agreed before we even scheduled this appointment months ago that we weren't going to do medication so we need to seek alternative treatments.
The thing about DD having ADHD though is that everyone is reacting differently. It's upsetting news, you know. He'll be three in July and we're being told that he's severe. We've known for a while that something was "off" and that he needed to be tested and when I was finally pulling my hair out that was when I called the pediatrician and talked about it. Every where I read says you need a good support system, you need people who will understand what you are going through as parents of a child with ADHD and will give you a break every now and then. The reactions I got when I told everyone went from total silence as in they could care less to telling me that it's not ADHD, it's all in the way I parent and that if I spend more one on one time with him everything will change. I'd really like to hear from other parents out there who have an ADHD child because this is another one of those situations where you can't totally understand unless you're in the same boat.
As far as my husband being laid off, he's looking for work. He's highly qualified, has a degree in business management and so much experience under his belt it would make your head spin. So far all the interviews he's been on want to pay only a fraction of what he was making which unfortunately we can't get by on, of course we can't continue to get by on unemployment either. In the meantime, he's started his on consulting business. It's something he's always wanted to do. It's called Rev Up, llc. So if you know anyone needing a consulting service, please contact me, Lifeofawife@gmail.com. Otherwise, keep your fingers crossed for us that all works out with, well, work.
As far as the surgery goes. I'm scared, really scared. I'm scared they're going to take a lot of skin but not enough to get it all. It's on my back and I'm in a wedding two days later where I have to where a strapless dress. Say some prayers for me please.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Another Bad Day
Today is even worse than yesterday. I can't stop crying today. I feel pulled in every different direction. I can't think straight. I want to eat everything that isn't nailed down. I feel worthless. I feel tiny and insignificant. I feel like I'm in the middle of a million different crisis.
I haven't felt this bad since right before I wound up in the nut house (again I can call it that since I was officially admitted there). I'm sitting here now hoping that typing this out will be therapeutic somehow. Maybe I will finish typing, stand up, stretch and feel better. (We all can wish)
Right now I have a kitchen table covered in laundry that needs to be put away and a two- year-old that needs to be put back to bed for his nap, neither of which I want to deal with right now. I am physically exhausted. I am having a First Communion party here for Big Brother in a couple of weeks and I am nowhere near ready for it. And I just don't feel up to doing anything!
I haven't felt this bad since right before I wound up in the nut house (again I can call it that since I was officially admitted there). I'm sitting here now hoping that typing this out will be therapeutic somehow. Maybe I will finish typing, stand up, stretch and feel better. (We all can wish)
Right now I have a kitchen table covered in laundry that needs to be put away and a two- year-old that needs to be put back to bed for his nap, neither of which I want to deal with right now. I am physically exhausted. I am having a First Communion party here for Big Brother in a couple of weeks and I am nowhere near ready for it. And I just don't feel up to doing anything!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Today's a Bad Day
As I sit here indulging in peanut butter wafers, watching A Walk in The Clouds for the thousandth time while Dare Devil is on the last leg of his nap and I'm waiting for the Princess to take hers, I am agitated. I can't stop feeling that way for anything. I also feel really, really down, really sad, really alone, and even angry.
I should tell you that on top of the postpartum psychosis I have, I also found out that I'm bipolar and OCD. So I started out feeling good this morning, cleaning, doing tons of laundry, moving things around. Then I started thinking about some upcoming things that were already bothering me and that was all it took. I decided to tell my husband, figuring if I tell him, I won't misplace my anger and flip out on someone else but I did lose it and now I still feel like crap. I have a kitchen table and a bed full of clothes and I can't motivate myself enough to do anything about either one. I feel so down. I feel, too, like everything my family has been through over the past year doesn't matter as much as other people's problems. These are my feelings and maybe it's the PPP. Maybe it's the bipolar. Maybe it's all the medication I'm on. Whatever it is, it is not a good day today.
I should tell you that on top of the postpartum psychosis I have, I also found out that I'm bipolar and OCD. So I started out feeling good this morning, cleaning, doing tons of laundry, moving things around. Then I started thinking about some upcoming things that were already bothering me and that was all it took. I decided to tell my husband, figuring if I tell him, I won't misplace my anger and flip out on someone else but I did lose it and now I still feel like crap. I have a kitchen table and a bed full of clothes and I can't motivate myself enough to do anything about either one. I feel so down. I feel, too, like everything my family has been through over the past year doesn't matter as much as other people's problems. These are my feelings and maybe it's the PPP. Maybe it's the bipolar. Maybe it's all the medication I'm on. Whatever it is, it is not a good day today.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
"You Must Have Been..."
The other day Bill and I were at a flea market and I decided to sell some of my dresses from dances I went to in high school. It kind of broke my heart to see them go, part of me thought I'd hold onto them for the Princess but she'd probably scoff at me embarrassed by the thought of such old dresses on her newer styled body. So I decided to part with them.
These dresses were really beautiful, perfect condition and smaller sizes. We sold them to an older lady whose daughter owns a consignment shop. She held each one up making noises of contentment and then she said it, "Boy! You must have been a knockout!" Gee, Thanks. I didn't feel like telling her how young I really am. I admitted sheepishly instead that my new found thyroid condition had something to do with how I look right now. She shared her experience with it too.
But man did that sting. As if I don't already know how different I look since high school! But then again, my body has been through a lot since then. My new grey hair just further proves that!
These dresses were really beautiful, perfect condition and smaller sizes. We sold them to an older lady whose daughter owns a consignment shop. She held each one up making noises of contentment and then she said it, "Boy! You must have been a knockout!" Gee, Thanks. I didn't feel like telling her how young I really am. I admitted sheepishly instead that my new found thyroid condition had something to do with how I look right now. She shared her experience with it too.
But man did that sting. As if I don't already know how different I look since high school! But then again, my body has been through a lot since then. My new grey hair just further proves that!
Scaling Back On Medication
I don't think I had mentioned that my trip to the nut house, and yes I can call it that since I was admitted there, was in February. But Since I had been placed on a few different medications, I began to feel like a zombie. It got to the point that I couldn't function during the day. I could barely take care of my kids and without a support system, things were impossible. So I decided to scale back the medication myself.
I was going to discuss this with my doctor when I saw her at our next appointment but she canceled so we entered into playing phone tag. Finally we talked and she agreed with me that I only take the medication at night so that I can feel a little more like a human being. In the middle of all of this I went for blood work she ordered and here my thyroid is severely under active, yay. So, more medication, plus new medication for headaches and back pain. I'm on eight different pills at night. I feel like my on pharmacy!
The good news is that after seeing my doctor the other day it looks like I might be able to go off of a couple of my medications by the end of the month so hopefully I will feel even more like myself.
I was going to discuss this with my doctor when I saw her at our next appointment but she canceled so we entered into playing phone tag. Finally we talked and she agreed with me that I only take the medication at night so that I can feel a little more like a human being. In the middle of all of this I went for blood work she ordered and here my thyroid is severely under active, yay. So, more medication, plus new medication for headaches and back pain. I'm on eight different pills at night. I feel like my on pharmacy!
The good news is that after seeing my doctor the other day it looks like I might be able to go off of a couple of my medications by the end of the month so hopefully I will feel even more like myself.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Post Partum Psychosis- The Second Time Around
I am currently dealing with Post Partum Psychosis, only this isn't the first time I've been through it. I now know for sure that what I went through after my second pregnancy was not not post partum depression but also post partum psychosis which is much worse than post partum depression. My support system both times has been very limited not because of lack of care but because of people being busy, having to be places, etc.
Last time, I had a feeling it was the psychosis I was experiences but tried to deal with it myself because everyone was busy with their own lives and I didn't feel that my problems mattered. I also didn't want to be locked away, marked as being "crazy". This time however, things got so bad that I had no choice but to ask for help. One day the urge to kill myself or to hurt my kids was so overwhelming that I called my husband at work crying. I told him that I knew that if I got off the couch I would definitely kill myself. I didn't want to, but everything in my body was telling me to. I also felt totally worthless. I felt like everyone would be better off without me and I felt like a complete failure. I was seeing things on top of all of that. Driving at night was always an adventure. So my husband made a few phone calls and it was decided that I needed to be admitted to a behavioral health unit, AKA psych unit at a local hospital to receive "intense therapy" and medication.
Bill and I discussed what we thought the place would be like while we waited in the ER. I expected a white floor with everyone in white coats like in the movies, one TV, one big living room, one bathroom, etc. I was partially right. No White coats but there was one big living room and only one TV. There were three showers on the floor which you had to sign in for. There were bathrooms in the rooms but they were locked until the next day after you saw the doctor. You had a room mate but no curtain between the two beds. No trash bags on the trash cans. They take your clothes and all your stuff in the ER and decide what you can and can't have upstairs. No drawstrings, no cellphones, electronics, video games, pens, pencils, sneakers, razors, etc.
It was definitely a shock. My room mate was nice, she snored so I needed ear plugs which they almost didn't let me have. So I had to agree to come get them with my night meds and bring them back in the morning with morning meds. There were meetings throughout the day and we met with the doctor every day who had the final say over whether you got to go home. There were two hours of visiting time each day and sometimes there'd be like fifteen minutes of outside time but it was cold out so I didn't go. There wasn't much to do and if you slept too much they'd lock you out of your room. So you had to say you felt good and that the meds were working so you could leave.
Of course when I came home things went back to normal. Bill went back to work, I went back to full time mom. So other than getting meds I'm not quite sure what it helped. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist and I've changed my meds around a bit because I was like a zombie. My therapist said that I'm one step away from winding up back in the hospital for three weeks this time so that's not good. But I just don't have the help.
Anyone that has ever been through PPD knows how awful it is, anyone who has been through PPP knows how devastating it is. If there is anyone out there who has been through it more than once, I'd really love to talk to them, this is an ongoing struggle. I am not out of the woods yet. I have my good days and my bad and people who haven't been through it can be helpful but can't completely understand. I'm looking for any advice here.
Last time, I had a feeling it was the psychosis I was experiences but tried to deal with it myself because everyone was busy with their own lives and I didn't feel that my problems mattered. I also didn't want to be locked away, marked as being "crazy". This time however, things got so bad that I had no choice but to ask for help. One day the urge to kill myself or to hurt my kids was so overwhelming that I called my husband at work crying. I told him that I knew that if I got off the couch I would definitely kill myself. I didn't want to, but everything in my body was telling me to. I also felt totally worthless. I felt like everyone would be better off without me and I felt like a complete failure. I was seeing things on top of all of that. Driving at night was always an adventure. So my husband made a few phone calls and it was decided that I needed to be admitted to a behavioral health unit, AKA psych unit at a local hospital to receive "intense therapy" and medication.
Bill and I discussed what we thought the place would be like while we waited in the ER. I expected a white floor with everyone in white coats like in the movies, one TV, one big living room, one bathroom, etc. I was partially right. No White coats but there was one big living room and only one TV. There were three showers on the floor which you had to sign in for. There were bathrooms in the rooms but they were locked until the next day after you saw the doctor. You had a room mate but no curtain between the two beds. No trash bags on the trash cans. They take your clothes and all your stuff in the ER and decide what you can and can't have upstairs. No drawstrings, no cellphones, electronics, video games, pens, pencils, sneakers, razors, etc.
It was definitely a shock. My room mate was nice, she snored so I needed ear plugs which they almost didn't let me have. So I had to agree to come get them with my night meds and bring them back in the morning with morning meds. There were meetings throughout the day and we met with the doctor every day who had the final say over whether you got to go home. There were two hours of visiting time each day and sometimes there'd be like fifteen minutes of outside time but it was cold out so I didn't go. There wasn't much to do and if you slept too much they'd lock you out of your room. So you had to say you felt good and that the meds were working so you could leave.
Of course when I came home things went back to normal. Bill went back to work, I went back to full time mom. So other than getting meds I'm not quite sure what it helped. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist and I've changed my meds around a bit because I was like a zombie. My therapist said that I'm one step away from winding up back in the hospital for three weeks this time so that's not good. But I just don't have the help.
Anyone that has ever been through PPD knows how awful it is, anyone who has been through PPP knows how devastating it is. If there is anyone out there who has been through it more than once, I'd really love to talk to them, this is an ongoing struggle. I am not out of the woods yet. I have my good days and my bad and people who haven't been through it can be helpful but can't completely understand. I'm looking for any advice here.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Atkins No More
At the suggestion of my doctor, I went on the Atkins diet three weeks ago. He told me I needed to cut out carbs and sugar because I am at high risk of diabetes due to my weight and medication I'm on. It wasn't easy, (no bread) but it had perks (plenty of mayo, cheese & pepperoni). I lost eleven pounds in the first week so I felt like this diet was the one for me.
The downside though was that I was having really sharp abdominal pains, stomach issues, and major exhaustion. Everyday was a struggle to get out of bed and it was difficult to lift my arms and legs. I blamed it on medication I started on a month ago, never thinking it could be the diet. But last night after I got really sick and threw up my dinner, I looked up the side effects of Atkins and was surprised to find everything that I had been experiencing from pain to exhaustion. I also found that Atkins increases your chance of certain cancers by something like 300%!
I poured myself a bowl of cereal, deciding I'm done with Atkins and soon after the first few bites my stomach felt settled.
The downside though was that I was having really sharp abdominal pains, stomach issues, and major exhaustion. Everyday was a struggle to get out of bed and it was difficult to lift my arms and legs. I blamed it on medication I started on a month ago, never thinking it could be the diet. But last night after I got really sick and threw up my dinner, I looked up the side effects of Atkins and was surprised to find everything that I had been experiencing from pain to exhaustion. I also found that Atkins increases your chance of certain cancers by something like 300%!
I poured myself a bowl of cereal, deciding I'm done with Atkins and soon after the first few bites my stomach felt settled.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
